Uncanny Peace

"I believe that in the midst of all these options you can feel uncertainty and what not but when praying for you I feel that it doesn't need to be a stormy stressful season but just an enjoyable time with the Lord with him even using this time to point you in different directions. When the time comes for you to move on, He will make it very clear, but let this transitional time be one of yes peace and also joy." ~Spoken over me by my Korean Pastor So many times, I think I have sorted the future out in my mind. And so many times a "curve-ball" is pitched in this game. I have gotten a few in this particular inning. Perhaps this is part of what I need to learn in this season. To have faith and peace in the face of uncertainty. To roll with the punches. To stop trying to sort things out in my mind, but instead to be content with not knowing. I am once again in a position of not knowing. The jury is still out on the mission I applied to. I just got accepted into the graduate program that I have been wanting. And I am falling into an odd tax situation because I am self-employed which causes me to have to pay approx. 20% of last year's income in taxes this April. (I am still technically below the poverty level so this is going to be quite a feat.) The money one really threw me for a loop (as usual) and my initial response was panic. You should know my M.O. by now. (I am working on it though.) After the initial shock and corresponding sleepless night, I got a friend to pray for me. As she prayed for me I was reminded of a revelation I received from the Lord some time ago.

The revelation: I was eating a very good piece of Pot Roast all by myself in the quiet about 2 weeks ago. And BAM! God gave me an image.

I didn't ask for one...wasn't even thinking about anything important. (Just the pot roast and how good it was.) But the image I got was of God. He was very jovial...he was so filled with joy and excitement that it escaped him in the form of laughter. He just was bursting with good emotions...namely the joy and excitement about what He has planned for me. And it was contagious.

No God didn't tell me where to go, nor did He give the slightest hint. He simply showed me that He knew, and it was going to be good.

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So this revelation came back into my mind. And I realized. NOTHING HAS CHANGED! It didn't surprise God when my tax forms were completed. It didn't surprise God when I got accepted to Grad School. It didn't surprise God when the Mission folks took extra long to pray over my application. God didn't say, "Oh my word! Taxes and Grad School...didn't see that coming. Good luck with your future Caroline. Call me when you get it all sorted out."

NO! The promise he made me then is still valid. He made it with all this in mind. He is still excited about my future. He is still joyfully saying, "I have this child, trust me!" And I will not let fear abort his promise. I will hold it in my heart. All this to say...I don't know what to do. But I have an uncanny peace in the face of uncertainty. Perhaps that's the way God likes it.

Awkward Story Time...

I wanted to tell you a little story about the awkward situations I tend to get myself in...

I am on an email list with my local church that sends me daily emails with news, events, and prayer requests.  I was skimming through the email last week and came across an announcement for an Open House at the Assisted Living Home in the next town over.  It said, "...come sample our cheesecake, meet some of our senior residents, and tour the facility."

In Caroline's mind that translates to, "COME EAT CHEESECAKE WITH OUR ELDERLY!"  I was like, yes!  And we can make little valentine cards to bring them too!  So my new friend/coworker Tara and I stayed up late cutting out little paper hearts and writing cheesy poems (and someone went a little crazy with the glitter glue).  We tried to figure out why they were having such an event...was it to get people to visit their families?  What could it be?

We show up at 12:00 pm on the dot, not wanting to be late to our little cheesecake lunch party with our soon-to-be new elderly friends but couldn't find the front door.  After walking in through some random porch and down a hallway of complete lost-ness, we found a little reception room with 9 pieces of cheesecake and some toppings.  A little voice in my mind was saying...something is wrong, where are your old people?

Then a woman greets us, "Can I help you?"

"Why yes you can, we are here for the Valentine Cheesecake Luncheon!"

Blank stares...

"Um, we brought valentine's for the elderly..."

Blank stares...

"Cheesecake..."

Our new found friend Pam lead us to the cheesecake and went to get us coffee.  (I say new found friend, because she gave us food...of course we are best friends now!)  At this moment Tara and I have a whispered conversation about our confusion.

Me:  "I don't think this is what we think this is...."

Tara:  "Yeah, I think it is for older people who want to tour and think about moving in."

Me:  "We can fake we are sisters and have an elderly grandma..."

Tara: "Or plan and early retirement..."

Enter Pam Stage Left

Pam: "Here's the coffee....so how did you hear about us?"

We ended up telling the truth of our confusion over cheesecake...  There were many awkward pauses...and silences.  But eventually we were invited to hand out our valentines in the cafeteria.  Though it wasn't the chance to sit and visit as I thought it would be, it was the way it was supposed to be.  We did get a lot of smiles and "thank you"s.  And before we left, the director asked us for our organization's information..."Is it on the valentine cards?"

"No...just some cards from some girls...haha!"

As awkward as it was, they asked us to come back and volunteer there sometime.  So it is all is well that ends well!  :-)

Prayer

I have been praying a lot about the future.  About what I should do.  I have gotten a couple revelations when I least expect them, and a couple dreams.  However the revelations are just telling me that God has the plan under control (but not telling me what it is), and the dreams keep telling me that fear disables me.

With no giant neon sign pointing to the path that God wants me to choose, I have been forced to just wait and see how things pan out.  Which is what His plan was all along I am sure...because if I knew my future in advanced, I would meddle with it.

In the waiting however I have found my heart shifting.  Which scared me...I have been trying hard not to want anything.  I have been trying to be an objective little scientist about all this.  I have been trying to pray without bias and ignore my feelings.

When I told my mom about this, she laughed.  "What did I tell you about feelings?"  She said, "God uses them to speak to us, ESPECIALLY in the women in our family!"  (which is true, mom's got stories of how those feelings from God have saved her life)

So...as my heart starts to shift so should my prayers.  I have been very bad at admitting that I want this, or declaring it for my future.  I always preface when I talk about the World Race Mission with "if" or "maybe".  But, in this time of waiting, whether I go or not, let me be confident in it.  Faith moves the heart of God.  What faith have I if I say, "I will go if the World Race is the only option given to me...that must be my sign"?  Instead I should say, "I know that these people are on the heart of God.  I have confidence that God will use me to help them.  When He calls I go..."

Let me take joy in my heart, and not fear.  Not fear of acceptance nor rejection.  But instead peace that God's will is in the works.  Let me pray for the nations on this route....
...if (see I use the if again) if I go...then I go.  If I don't then I don't.  But I declare it...I will not be afraid of where he sends me.  Instead I pray for the nations as I wait on the response from the interview committee.  Pray with me for His people!

Haiti

Haiti was hit with a life-altering earthquake on January 12, 2010. The nation's still in shambles, but the church is rising up. Haiti is experiencing a spiritual revival right now like it has never seen before. Communities are turning to pastors for leadership, and the local church is becoming the driving force behind Haiti's ongoing rebirth. Be part of this key moment in Haiti’s history and the church’s impact on this nation. Come ready to serve and ready to be blessed.

Bolivia

Bolivia is one of the most beautiful places in the world. It's also one of the most indigenous countries in South America; the current president is the first indigenous people group member in office. And with all of that variety comes a lot of opportunity. Bolivia is in need of orphan ministry, evangelistic outreach, church plants, and more. You might find yourself working in the heart of the rainforest or on the streets of a city market. Regardless, be prepared for a fantastic experience.

Peru

The cradle of Inca civilization (think: Macchu Picchu) and one of the "Andean states", Peru is full of epic wonder; yet she is barely acquainted with her Creator. Though many natives still practice traditional religions, God is up to something in this country. The Peruvian church thirsts for truth and authentic spiritual breakthrough. Its political past has been riddled with guerilla violence and corrupt leadership, from which the indigenous poor and urban affluent are recovering. Whether you rough it in the jungle or live in the city; you won't forget Peru.

Ecuador

Named after the Spanish word for equator, this country is packed full of natural beauty. From the Amazon river to glaciers atop Andes volcanoes, this country is sure to enthrall you, and it's people too. As diverse as it's landscapes, the indigenous and Incan influences give this country a unique culture. Although the country is about 95% Catholic, there are still indigenous shamanistic practices that are integrated in their faith. With more than half of the population sitting at or below the poverty line, Ecuador is a country waiting for God's Kingdom to come.

Malawi

Known as "the warm heart of Africa," Malawi is a place you visit to ignite your passion for God’s love. This country has a beautiful landscape and an even more beautiful culture and population. This month, you'll fall in love with the people of Malawi and bless them with the love of God. Chances are you won't want to leave.f

Zambia

After years of British colonial rule, Zambia became independent in 1964. Since then, the economy has grown and the official religion has become Christianity, but there are still great needs in Zambia. With the country near the bottom of the United Nations Human Development Index, the Zambian people still suffer from poverty, short life expectancy, malnourishment, lack of clean water, and the AIDS crisis. Zambia needs encouragement from missionaries who can remind them of God’s faithfulness in the face of challenges.

Zimbabwe

Formerly a British colony known as Rhodesia, Zimbabwe boasts intriguing ruins and shares the majestic Victoria Falls with Zambia. According to Amnesty International, the current regime is allowing human rights violations to escalate. Zimbabwe also has one of the lowest life expectancies in the world. The majority of the people identify themselves as Christians but very much need people like you to advance the kingdom with love and hope.

Thailand

According to the CIA, the kingdom of Thailand, known as Siam until 1939, is the only country in the region not colonized by Europe. Their 2000 census showed that 94.6% of the population is Buddhist, 4.6% are Muslim, and 0.7% are Christian. Approximately 600,000 people live with HIV/AIDS in Thailand. With nearly two million people estimated to be forced into prostitution, it has become one of the most popular places for sex tourism. Change lives in the city-where you, like Jesus, might befriend prostitutes-or in the countryside-where you may serve youth, care for orphans, and encourage a remnant of believers.

Malaysia

Enter a world entrenched in Islam. A people within the thriving metropolis of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysians still live in ignorance of the Good News of Jesus Christ. As you delve into this culture of works-based religion, strong self-discipline, and uncanny faith, you will have the unique opportunity to deliver hope and point the people to their Redeemer.

Vietnam

After nearly a century of French rule, in the mid-20th century, Vietnam was split into communist (north) and non-communist (south) halves. By 1975, Vietnam was made whole again, but as a communist country. Even with the economic reforms and restoration of diplomatic ties human rights are limited in Vietnam, especially freedom of religion; most of Vietnam is Buddhist, less than 10% is Catholic. Here you'll be fed with pho, delicious beef noodle soup, and in turn feed believers and pray God's light and presence everywhere you go.

Cambodia

Cambodia houses one of the Seven Wonders of the World, Angkor Wat, a Hindu temple and monastery built during the Khmer empire in the 12th century. It later became a Buddhist complex a century later, and today, just over 96% of Cambodia is Buddhist. Almost 30 years ago, 1.5 million Cambodians died at the hands of Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge regime. Today, Cambodia is a source, transit point, and destination of human trafficking. Unfortunately, the government is struggling to stop it. The people of Cambodia are thirsty for the hope you can bring.

Feb...

Hard to believe we are already into February, and enough into it to have a school group within the next two weeks.  I don't remember having school groups come so early last year.

We have a new intern working here now too.  I am happy about it.  She is very sweet and fun to talk to, and it's good to have another person in the building.  We are heading to my favorite cafe for dinner tonight before my choir practice.

So...the brief update on life:

• I might be running in the Polar Bear Run/Plunge again this year, but I will be doing the 5k with my team from the Aquarium.  (what this looks like:  starting the run with them and finishing 10mins later..haha)
• The run is on the 22nd though so I better hurry up and train...
• I had my interview with the World Race on the phone yesterday.  May that door be open or closed as God sees fit.
• And learning to be fully present in the moments of now rather than stressing about the future.

Hope you all are well. I know it has been a long time since I gave you an interesting or funny story so you can read this if you would like....from my old blog.  :-P  Hows that for "blast from the past"?

Though I did have one run-in with a toilet.  There it was, western style seating (yes!!!!!) but maybe about 8 buttons all in Hangul.  I figured that I would find the flushing one before I did any business...just in case I did somehing stupid. (good idea!).  So I stand slighty to the side of it and hit a few buttons.  At first nothing happened.  Then it made a noise, a little nozzle popped out of the back, and started shooting a pretty intense stream of water against the stall door.  I was pressed up against the wall going...OH MY GOSH!!!!  Trying not to get sprayed.  I finally figured out how to turn it off...which was not the same button as on (which would have made life easier).  I left the stall with the decent sized puddle in search for a "dumber" toilet.

Life Lessons from Life

You know how simple things in life seem to teach the best lessons?  Well, I am learning that for sure.

I have found so much of my thoughts being consumed with the future, that I wasn't present in the present at all!  Yes, it is important to plan, seek the will of God, and make good choices for the future.  But I (as typical of people with my MO) chose to create every possible scenario of how the next few months are going to play out and dwell on it.  Meanwhile missing what is going on around me.

Luckily (or blessed is more like it), I have people around me who are wise and can give it to me straight.  My mom told me to "Be still and know that He is God." just the morning before my Korean Pastor did a sermon on that.  He discussed the power of being in the present.  As this is happening, my community care pastor tells me, "..it doesn't need to be a stormy season but just an enjoyable time with the Lord...When the time comes for you to move on, He will make it very clear, but let this transitional time be one of yes peace and also joy."  Simply put, I need just  focus on the now.

So...there I am walking walking the half-mile stretch back from the Aquarium (which is the best volunteer job I have ever done!  I was snorkeling in the Grouper tank today to give it a good scrub.  I saw a little girl through the glass and we waved to each other.  See, I am trying to focus on the present awesome things that I have!).  Anyway, on this half-mile stretch to the ferry there also happened to be two separate joggers, and I happened to be eating from a bag of chips.  As they passed I kinda hid the chips so that I didn't feel like such a fatty..haha.

On this walk I didn't allow myself to think ahead.  I have been doing that too much lately.  Even thinking about the good ahead is not good.  Example, I would think how much praise I would give God when he sorted things out and handled fundraising if I was accepted to the World Race Mission.  BUT, the God of the present is the same God...and does He not deserve the same praise now for all of the good things going on presently?  SOOOOO...you see, it was important to keep my mind on the now.

As I walked, I saw the birds.  I love the winter birds here, they are my favorite.  I guess they remind me of when I was new here last year, and everything was so exciting and unknown.  I went to a birding workshop with work and learned all about the little yellow-rumped warblers that had just finished migrating and were now flittering around above. These birds taught me a life lesson.  They know the time they are in.  It is winter and so they are here.  Do they plan for the summer travel at this time?  No...they are just here.  When summer comes they will do what they need to do.  But for now they are here.

Life lesson number two came in the form of a water color kit gifted to me by my friend Laura for Christmas.  If you know me, I am a self-abusive artist.  I seldom like my own work.  I find details that I hate and see all my mistakes.  BUT... water color doesn't allow you to do that.  The colors just flow wherever they want.  In my first picture I fought it.  I was like, "NO...phthalo blue!  Stay in your imaginary line!".  And I got to a point when I realized that I couldn't control it.  In my second painting, I went into it knowing that the colors would do what they wanted, I learned to go with the flow, and make a much free-er painting.  Can you see the difference?

Painting One

Painting Two

So...as I focus on the now, I will do it with an attitude of gratitude.  And who knows what other life lessons I will learn? 

Modus Operandi

mo·dus ope·ran·di

 noun \ˌmō-dəs-ˌä-pə-ˈran-dē, -ˌdī\

: a usual way of doing something; especially :a distinct pattern or method of operation  

(According to Merriam Webster's Online Dictionary)

I have heard the term before, usually in a crime drama. "That's his MO." means that's how he operates.  

So I was thinking about my MO.  How I operate, especially when things don't go my way, when under pressure, when life throws you curve-balls.  

There was a pretty goofy but good movie I watched as a teen called "Extreme Days".  And I stole this quote from it, “We had some random things happen to us; some good, some bad, some you can’t explain, some you don’t want to, but one thing we did learn for sure… When God throws a curve-ball, don’t duck – You might just miss something.”

The problem about curve-balls is that they are unpredictable (and fast!).  And if you know me at all.  I love a good plan.  So, as I sit here on my lunch break with my cherry tomatoes and microwaveable veggie nuggets I am left with alone with my thoughts.

My future is up in the air right now.  I have plan A, B, C, D, E, F, G.  I always have something that is Logical and it is ranked in order so that I can make choices depending on what becomes available.  Then out of nowhere comes something illogical.  It's an 11th month mission trip and it has captured my thoughts.  It is completely illogical and I am most afraid because I don't think that the people I love will understand.  I am also afraid to apply for it because, what if I get it?  What if I get it and plan A?  What if I have to make a decision?  I feel like this is a major curve-ball.  

And my MO?

My MO is to have my thoughts run around in panic!  I have spent a long time faking confidence and it seems that I fooled myself into believing that actually I know what I am doing.  But I don't.  I don't think anyone really does.  Perhaps everyone wakes up in the morning like I do, and asks, "What am I doing?"  Lately, I have been faking confidence with the answer, "waiting for Americorps to accept you and begin."  But seriously?  Is that all that today is for?  I don't think so.  Life is too short to spend your days on ONLY waiting.

I don't know if it is in God's plan at all for me to run off to do missions.  But I do know that it is in His plan for me to pray about it.  To pray about my MO and find out what today is for.  I need to operate in peace. I need to admit that I don't know what is going on, but that God does.  And I need to have faith that He will eventually show me "the plan."

Blessed Birds with Bread!

Pardon the title of my post...but it makes me giggle.

I was helping my friend Pat clean up after communion on Sunday and she forced 3 loaves of left over communion bread into my hands with specific instructions on not to throw it away.  It has been blessed you see, so I have to dispose of it without dumping it.  OH DEAR.

The next thing I know, I am at the ferry terminal catching my ride to the Aquarium when I see a little girl playing with her parents.  I approach the dad,  "I couldn't help but notice you have a daughter..."  Cue awkward creeper music because that's exactly what I sound like at this point.  "And I thought she might want to feed the birds on the boat."  He just stares at me defensively.  So I pull out a loaf and force it on him.  "It's from my church....please help me use this communion bread, I don't know what to do..."

"I will take a loaf" he says and that is all.

WHEW!  THAT WAS AWKWARD!  Next time I need to think about what I should say first, instead of a plea for help...haha.  One down two to go.

I have my sunglasses on so no one can tell that I am looking out for kids....(which sounds so weird)...but it's the only way I can dispose of the blessed bread!  I figure waiting for the boat to leave might be better than stalking around the vehicle lanes, so I do.

Once the boat leaves, I see two boys with their parents on the upper deck.  This time I am ready!  "Hi there!, I didn't know if you guys wanted to feed the birds today...but I have this bread" ...hands it to the smallest boy, "which is left over from communion this morning."

"Thank you sweetie!"  Replies the mom.

NOM NOM NOM says the kid as he chows down on the loaf.

o.O  The parents are like...."um....I guess he is hungry."

I decide at that point that two loaves are enough for one ship, and that I will give away the third on the way back.  As I sit down to knit, I see a seagull fly past my window with a chunk of bread bigger than it's head...and I feel much better.  Oh blessed Birds!  :-P

(On the way back, I just handed a girl the loaf and said, "For the birds"...guess who was tired of this game by then...haha.)