Once again, I find myself in the position of leaving. And I feel that the more I do it, the harder it is. How many people can you love, and then say goodbye to before losing so many little pieces of your heart that you just can't anymore?
I knew it was a short term gig once again and I still chose to love. I still invested, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I have had mother's, sisters, crazy uncles, grandpas, and more! I have had so many people love me and become my family over this past year, and that is what makes it so sweet but so hard.
A.A. Milne wrote, "How lucky am I to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard". And it is beyond true for me. I had tears as I hugged my bluegrass band mama, my morning run sister, my pastor, and soon to be more! When asked if I am ready to leave, my "no" is only half due to the fact that I haven't packed a single box from my cabin...But more to the idea that my heart hurts. But...
How lucky I am to have all these people who make saying goodbye so hard.
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Thursday, January 19, 2017
New Orleans and Shoes
I definitely enjoyed my time at the J-squad renunion in New Orleans. Most of my old mission teammates were there and it was really great to see them all again especially as we have all returned to much different lives and roles than we played on the field together. It's as if we can see a more complete version of each person since we can see more of the "normal" lives of each.
Just a great time! I enjoyed good food, Jazz music, and wonderful fellowship. It felt like a debrief on the mission field all over again as we scrambled around to visit with all our friends. (No buddy system this time which worked great for that time I just had to find the restaurant that Alesha and I went to last time we were there!
I got back later in the evening and spent the whole next day burning the woods for work. After work, I finally got to pick Jade up from boarding. It was so long without her... And she let me know it. She ignores every rule we had about jumping and bopped me hard in the mouth... But I didn't care... I missed her too!
I have started running some mornings with friends at the highschool track. One friend left me a box on my car and my poor little 5am brain didn't process it until I got back home and opened it. It was a brand new pair of beautiful purple running shoes! My heart bursted! I could have cried! I wrote to her that I was so joyed and couldn't thank her enough and asked why she did it. She told me that God had prompted her to buy the shoes for me a few weeks ago.
I was blown away! Not only was I grateful to my friend for listening and the goodness that followed, but I was also grateful to God for telling her to do it! Because she followed through, I was able to have a reminder of God's provision (in the physical as well as relationships), goodness, and desire to give us those little loving moments.
I had a great God moment over a pair of shoes! I can't wait to see how He will meet me next.
Just a great time! I enjoyed good food, Jazz music, and wonderful fellowship. It felt like a debrief on the mission field all over again as we scrambled around to visit with all our friends. (No buddy system this time which worked great for that time I just had to find the restaurant that Alesha and I went to last time we were there!
J-squad in NOLÀ!
I got back later in the evening and spent the whole next day burning the woods for work. After work, I finally got to pick Jade up from boarding. It was so long without her... And she let me know it. She ignores every rule we had about jumping and bopped me hard in the mouth... But I didn't care... I missed her too!
I have started running some mornings with friends at the highschool track. One friend left me a box on my car and my poor little 5am brain didn't process it until I got back home and opened it. It was a brand new pair of beautiful purple running shoes! My heart bursted! I could have cried! I wrote to her that I was so joyed and couldn't thank her enough and asked why she did it. She told me that God had prompted her to buy the shoes for me a few weeks ago.
I was blown away! Not only was I grateful to my friend for listening and the goodness that followed, but I was also grateful to God for telling her to do it! Because she followed through, I was able to have a reminder of God's provision (in the physical as well as relationships), goodness, and desire to give us those little loving moments.
I had a great God moment over a pair of shoes! I can't wait to see how He will meet me next.
Monday, December 19, 2016
Valley of Bones
Seasons are flying by, and I am loving all the things that are happening. The bluegrass band I am in is recording a CD, the dog is happy (especially after meeting may family in Maryland over Thanksgiving), I have a break from classes, gym classes are good, and I am getting into the holiday music any time I am at my desk at work.
One thing that has still been a little off though is connecting with God. I have thought and over-thought about it. And I still don't feel the level of intimacy that I felt with Him on the mission field or in other times of my life.
But then I get thinking about the Israelites and how they pine for Egypt when they are faced with the desert. How often do we distort the past when the future is unknown? Perhaps that is what I am doing here. Perhaps I remember being closer to God, because I remember only the moments of revelation, not the moments of silence and waiting. And perhaps I am just as close now as I have ever been.
Maybe it is a perspective thing, and I need to keep focused on Him in the now, to keep the right perspective.
Not long ago I was reading about Ezekiel and about how he entered the valley (the low place) as he was being led by Holy Spirit. Maybe when we are in low points in our lives, it's because we are following His lead. Really, Christians are never set apart by their mountain-top experiences, but by how they respond to the valley.
Anyway, I oddly enough see myself both as Ezekiel who God has lead to speak life into dry bones, and also as the bones. I feel dry, and worn, and dead at times.... but instead of just laying around on the ground waiting for life, perhaps, I am called to speak that life. I, perhaps, am the one to speak His truth over myself until the life flows, the breath enters, and the army is raised, so then I can go on and do the same for others. What am I waiting for?
One thing that has still been a little off though is connecting with God. I have thought and over-thought about it. And I still don't feel the level of intimacy that I felt with Him on the mission field or in other times of my life.
But then I get thinking about the Israelites and how they pine for Egypt when they are faced with the desert. How often do we distort the past when the future is unknown? Perhaps that is what I am doing here. Perhaps I remember being closer to God, because I remember only the moments of revelation, not the moments of silence and waiting. And perhaps I am just as close now as I have ever been.
Maybe it is a perspective thing, and I need to keep focused on Him in the now, to keep the right perspective.
Not long ago I was reading about Ezekiel and about how he entered the valley (the low place) as he was being led by Holy Spirit. Maybe when we are in low points in our lives, it's because we are following His lead. Really, Christians are never set apart by their mountain-top experiences, but by how they respond to the valley.
Anyway, I oddly enough see myself both as Ezekiel who God has lead to speak life into dry bones, and also as the bones. I feel dry, and worn, and dead at times.... but instead of just laying around on the ground waiting for life, perhaps, I am called to speak that life. I, perhaps, am the one to speak His truth over myself until the life flows, the breath enters, and the army is raised, so then I can go on and do the same for others. What am I waiting for?
Ezekiel 37:1-14New King James Version (NKJV)
The Dry Bones Live
37 The hand of the Lord came upon me and brought me out in the Spirit of the Lord, and set me down in the midst of the valley; and it was full of bones. 2 Then He caused me to pass by them all around, and behold, there were very many in the open valley; and indeed they were very dry. 3 And He said to me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”
So I answered, “O Lord God, You know.”
4 Again He said to me, “Prophesy to these bones, and say to them, ‘O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord! 5 Thus says the Lord God to these bones: “Surely I will cause breath to enter into you, and you shall live. 6 I will put sinews on you and bring flesh upon you, cover you with skin and put breath in you; and you shall live. Then you shall know that I am the Lord.”’”
7 So I prophesied as I was commanded; and as I prophesied, there was a noise, and suddenly a rattling; and the bones came together, bone to bone. 8 Indeed, as I looked, the sinews and the flesh came upon them, and the skin covered them over; but there was no breath in them.
9 Also He said to me, “Prophesy to the breath, prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Come from the four winds, O breath, and breathe on these slain, that they may live.”’” 10 So I prophesied as He commanded me, and breath came into them, and they lived, and stood upon their feet, an exceedingly great army.
11 Then He said to me, “Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel. They indeed say, ‘Our bones are dry, our hope is lost, and we ourselves are cut off!’ 12 Therefore prophesy and say to them, ‘Thus says the Lord God: “Behold, O My people, I will open your graves and cause you to come up from your graves, and bring you into the land of Israel. 13 Then you shall know that I am the Lord, when I have opened your graves, O My people, and brought you up from your graves. 14 I will put My Spirit in you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land. Then you shall know that I, the Lord, have spoken it and performed it,” says the Lord.’”
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
Growing in Intimacy
I suppose sometimes growing feels a lot like failing.
I think in a lot of areas of life I find that I learn more from my errors than from the things I do right. And in this case, I am learning to be in a relationship with God.
It is something that I did very well for quite some time. I was great at just being in love with Him because honestly, I felt in love with Him. Rough times happened, especially when mental health came on the line, I needed Him, I got mad at Him, but I always came back to Him. It was a relationship.
These past few months, nothing as dramatic as anxiety attacks in a foreign nation has occurred. But something perhaps even more deadly to faith. And that is complacency. I have found that I got to a place where I didn't feel the presence of God. And I sought it...but couldn't find it.
Over a LONG time of introspection and asking wise people in my life...I think I figured out a few general points that I have been learning (not always living...but it's one step at a time).
She basically said that the key to having a relationship with God is seeking a relationship with God. Intentionally seeking it. I have been busy...so very busy...with perhaps things that don't really matter. But I somehow manage to fill the hours of the day and the space in my mind so well, that all I can do is shove God to a small corner of my heart that I access during my "quiet time" once a day.
What kind of relationship is that? A marriage would never work if you said, "Honey, I give you from 7-7:30 each morning and the rest of the day is mine. Oh, I will talk about you during the day, but we meet in the mornings" It doesn't work that way. To be truly in love with God is to invite Him into every aspect and moment. And that takes time, mental space, planning, and intentionality. It is exhausting...and I am failing at it.
But I think that means I am growing.
I think in a lot of areas of life I find that I learn more from my errors than from the things I do right. And in this case, I am learning to be in a relationship with God.
It is something that I did very well for quite some time. I was great at just being in love with Him because honestly, I felt in love with Him. Rough times happened, especially when mental health came on the line, I needed Him, I got mad at Him, but I always came back to Him. It was a relationship.
These past few months, nothing as dramatic as anxiety attacks in a foreign nation has occurred. But something perhaps even more deadly to faith. And that is complacency. I have found that I got to a place where I didn't feel the presence of God. And I sought it...but couldn't find it.
Over a LONG time of introspection and asking wise people in my life...I think I figured out a few general points that I have been learning (not always living...but it's one step at a time).
- "God, doesn't move, you move"-FALSE. God moves a lot...we just have to be sure we are going in the same direction as Him. Sometimes like the young woman in Song of Solomon, God calls us to go with Him, and we just let Him move forward without us.
- But, when we are ready, and see our error, He will always come back to meet us where we are.
- Just because you don't feel the presence of God, doesn't mean you aren't in it. And sometimes, God will withhold the feeling because we get addicted to that. We want the power of the Spirit more than the Living God Himself...
- Seek and Ye Shall Find- TRUTH! But be sure you are seeking God, not the experience, the giver of gifts, or the god we want Him to be.
- Be intentional. Invite Him into the every day. Be disciplined and yet, spontaneous, and have faith.
She basically said that the key to having a relationship with God is seeking a relationship with God. Intentionally seeking it. I have been busy...so very busy...with perhaps things that don't really matter. But I somehow manage to fill the hours of the day and the space in my mind so well, that all I can do is shove God to a small corner of my heart that I access during my "quiet time" once a day.
What kind of relationship is that? A marriage would never work if you said, "Honey, I give you from 7-7:30 each morning and the rest of the day is mine. Oh, I will talk about you during the day, but we meet in the mornings" It doesn't work that way. To be truly in love with God is to invite Him into every aspect and moment. And that takes time, mental space, planning, and intentionality. It is exhausting...and I am failing at it.
But I think that means I am growing.
Saturday, October 1, 2016
Burning it Up
I feel like every blog from here on out is going to be about how fast the time has passed. But boy, I feel like September just burned up in a instant.
Namely it is because I joined a gym and have been going to workout classes every morning at 5:30 am but also because of the pup.
She is well, and we spent the whole day together in the nearby town playing in parks and eating out at open air restaurants, and walking around meeting new people. She was abused before I got her, so I am teaching her that people are good. (she only barked at two today...so we are getting better).
I just got the email to register for my spring classes...and I was thinking in all my current fatigue," do I really want to"? But I better go ahead and sign up before I think too much about it. I will finish my Masters...I just need to persevere.
Lastly, at work we are prepping firelines to get things burned before planting longleaf this winter. So perhaps I should wait before I claim that September was burned up...since literally I will be burning November to the ground...haha.
Namely it is because I joined a gym and have been going to workout classes every morning at 5:30 am but also because of the pup.
She is well, and we spent the whole day together in the nearby town playing in parks and eating out at open air restaurants, and walking around meeting new people. She was abused before I got her, so I am teaching her that people are good. (she only barked at two today...so we are getting better).
I just got the email to register for my spring classes...and I was thinking in all my current fatigue," do I really want to"? But I better go ahead and sign up before I think too much about it. I will finish my Masters...I just need to persevere.
Lastly, at work we are prepping firelines to get things burned before planting longleaf this winter. So perhaps I should wait before I claim that September was burned up...since literally I will be burning November to the ground...haha.
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Feeling Behind
Wow! I am feeling behind on all my updating. It's been a whirlwind here.
First of all...stuff happened. Namely, my boss telling me out of the blue, "if you feel lonely or scared by living out in the woods by yourself, then you can get a dog." I promptly told him that I did not want a dog, because those things live longer than goldfish, and I already hit my commitment quota by joining a gym.
Later, someone else teased me about getting a puppy. And then I promptly told God, "People keep bringing up this topic, but you know I am not going and getting a dog. If you want me to have one, you just have to drop it in my lap." One Saturday morning, I was rushing out the door and, yep you guessed it. A puppy...a little 4 month old hound/lab mix was just looking miserable at my doorstep.
She was so covered in fleas that as she scratched, she would whine because it hurt. I just cried. I knew I couldn't take care of a puppy, but I just couldn't leave her in that state...so I said, one step...I will just take one step. So I washed all her fleas off. Then I called my friend who owned a kennel and told her I didn't know the next step. I wasn't keeping her but I needed help.
Well my kennel friend showed up with puppy supplies, and that dog ran right to my side for protection...apparently she already adopted me. So now, I can't imagine life without her. It's been a full month and I love my baby Jade so much. We are doing all the right things with the vet and I am reading more about puppy training online than I am school work. But she does make my heart smile.
Other than puppy and school, the most recent excitement was a trip to the mountains. My mother has a birthday this week, and it being labor day weekend, we had a longer one than normal. My mother said in passing, "oh I wish I could come down and see you...." And between the two of us, within 48 hours we had her plane ticket booked and a cabin in the woods rented. We spent an awesome weekend grilling out, visiting the small mountain town of Blue Ridge, sampling chocolate, visiting a winery, and hiking to a waterfall. I had a great deal of rest and enjoyment with her, and brought her back to the airport.
Unfortunately, my car broke down about an hour away from home, so I am even more behind on the many things I should have done this weekend...but I wouldn't change it for the world!
One topic that keeps coming up in my Quiet Time is the need to breathe. To just rest, to not have to do all the time, despite the fact that doing gives me a semblance of control...but just to be. To rest, to breathe...to truly trust that all my needs will be met, that not every single thing has to be in order for me to move forward, and to rest. So I think in lieu of giving myself an ulcer...I should breathe and rest. SELAH! :-)
First of all...stuff happened. Namely, my boss telling me out of the blue, "if you feel lonely or scared by living out in the woods by yourself, then you can get a dog." I promptly told him that I did not want a dog, because those things live longer than goldfish, and I already hit my commitment quota by joining a gym.
Later, someone else teased me about getting a puppy. And then I promptly told God, "People keep bringing up this topic, but you know I am not going and getting a dog. If you want me to have one, you just have to drop it in my lap." One Saturday morning, I was rushing out the door and, yep you guessed it. A puppy...a little 4 month old hound/lab mix was just looking miserable at my doorstep.
She was so covered in fleas that as she scratched, she would whine because it hurt. I just cried. I knew I couldn't take care of a puppy, but I just couldn't leave her in that state...so I said, one step...I will just take one step. So I washed all her fleas off. Then I called my friend who owned a kennel and told her I didn't know the next step. I wasn't keeping her but I needed help.
Well my kennel friend showed up with puppy supplies, and that dog ran right to my side for protection...apparently she already adopted me. So now, I can't imagine life without her. It's been a full month and I love my baby Jade so much. We are doing all the right things with the vet and I am reading more about puppy training online than I am school work. But she does make my heart smile.
 |
| This is Jade playing with her husky friend who likes to visit. |
Other than puppy and school, the most recent excitement was a trip to the mountains. My mother has a birthday this week, and it being labor day weekend, we had a longer one than normal. My mother said in passing, "oh I wish I could come down and see you...." And between the two of us, within 48 hours we had her plane ticket booked and a cabin in the woods rented. We spent an awesome weekend grilling out, visiting the small mountain town of Blue Ridge, sampling chocolate, visiting a winery, and hiking to a waterfall. I had a great deal of rest and enjoyment with her, and brought her back to the airport.
Unfortunately, my car broke down about an hour away from home, so I am even more behind on the many things I should have done this weekend...but I wouldn't change it for the world!
One topic that keeps coming up in my Quiet Time is the need to breathe. To just rest, to not have to do all the time, despite the fact that doing gives me a semblance of control...but just to be. To rest, to breathe...to truly trust that all my needs will be met, that not every single thing has to be in order for me to move forward, and to rest. So I think in lieu of giving myself an ulcer...I should breathe and rest. SELAH! :-)
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