I got really mad at God last week. It sounds really silly to be mad at the God of the Universe, the one who created all things, and all that. I mean, by being mad at Him, it really achieves nothing, but human emotions are weird.
It all started with things that He was calling me to in my recent short visit to Korea. I finally said yes to being an intercessor. I finally agreed to take the steps, to pray for more discernment to hone my gift and also for Him to meet me in new ways in the coming season (because the old ways just won't do for what I am called to).
Immediately after that, I couldn't hear God. I couldn't feel God. I thought this must be an attack of the enemy, something that I would have to endure. But after three weeks, I got a little miffed. Why do I have to endure? What if I never feel God again? What if I never ever felt Him before? What if it is all in my head? What if there is really no God? (I just got real with you here!)
Now, I want to interject. The first part of this experience (not feeling or not hearing from God) was NOT from satan...nor was it an attack. But the second part (the doubt, fear, worry, and disbelief) was most DEFINITELY a manipulative attack of the enemy. And yes, though it makes no sense...God is real. But back to my tale....
So. After finally admitting to Him that I was mad, I "took a break". Which is silly too. Though I went about 3 days without having a scheduled quiet time, I never really stopped talking to Him. Because in my life, my relationship with God is just that...a relationship. We talk all day together. Well, of course I was doing all the talking lately, but you know. In a relationship, the wife doesn't say to the husband, "I don't feel married right now, so I am going to avoid you..." Haha!
In the same way, taking a break was stupid. But once I came back into my quiet times, I came in with a zealous goal of figuring this out and making it right. Because I love Him just too much to live without Him.
Well, at this point God gave me a hint. Well, pretty much the whole picture. He started piecing together things from Korea, my own reading and heart, and sermons I was listening to from my old church. And I finally got it. And boy did I feel silly when I did.
Bottom Line and the Reader's Digest Version of all that came to light: The Pillar of Fire and Cloud in the desert never left its spot before the people except for one time. It went behind them to block the Egyptians when it was time for the Israelites to cross the sea. In the same way, the presence of God was not gone in my life, it was just positioned differently because I have a great step to take forward. And how in the world can I pray for God to meet me in New Ways and then to search for Him down the same old paths?
God is also teaching me to be less dependent on my feelings, but to truly learn all aspects of discernment (another thing that I was praying for before all this happened). I believe this time is a time for me to learn to fellowship with Holy Spirit not just in power and feeling, but in the truth of the scripture. So, I may not feel very close to God lately, but I need to learn that feelings are not the only indicator of the relationship.
LONG STORY SHORT- I got mad at God for answering all my prayers...haha. But now that I see what is happening, I am excited to see how He will meet me in these new ways. Thanks for your continued prayers all!
